I don’t want to be your friend..

I Don’t Want to be your friend…
By: Kristine Danielle D. Ramirez
[Author’s note: to all my dearest friends, you know who are involve in this story, how much part of this is real, how much part was kept as a secret and how much part of this is what I had wanted to happen. This is a part of moving on with my life]
A girl falls in love with a charming guy and hopes that he’ll love her too, but when the girl tries to give up everything because she thought that it was just an unrequited love, she suddenly discovers that the guy is in love with her too and they lived madly in love with each other.
A common tale, a common love story, but it never fails to leave me breathless…
As I was scanning through the Manga (Japanese Comics) scanlations in the internet, a kind of chagrin flowed through my entire existence. The archetype of an intractable reverie has once again brought me in a trance. I’m a sucker for great love stories and it’s such a waste that these stories happen only in the mangas I read.
I took a deep breath and abruptly shut down the computer for I don’t have the time to fuss on trivial matters when my calling, my course, needs my undivided perplexity. I took my bag and left the house. I was back at reality.
I rode the jeepney that was obnoxiously waiting for passengers and swiftly paid my fare, (after making sure that it is a piece of 5-peso coin and one 1-peso coin, because it is embarrassing to pay two pieces of 1-peso coin just because your paranoia made you think that the 5-peso coin and the 1-peso coin are of the same size) for I don’t want to forget it and instantly be accused of riding without paying, 1-2-3, the common modus operandi term for it.
After almost 15 minutes of reckless travelling and uncontrollable hair situation, thanks to the driver who just admire the actors of the Fast and the furious, I saw my classmates waiting for me at Emjaykas, an eatery located outside the subdivision where our school is. Although I was just inches away from them, they don’t seem to notice me because they are brawling at each other with little green notebooks in their hands.
“oh yeah, the tickler, Damn!” I completely forgot everything about it.
“Don’t tell me you completely forgotten that this is the last day to get the senior’s signature and we’re dead if we will not be able to complete it” Manilyn, one of my best friend said.
“You’re exaggerating the situation”
“Just answer my question”
“Would you kill me if I said yes?” I mockingly asked.
“No, because you can kill me before I can even lay my hands on you”
“Based on my 8 years of vigorous Karate training, I know…” We both bursted into laughter.
“Laugh all you can later, first we must finished this signature campaign”
“Yeah, yeah… but I want to sit beside the tricycle driver okay?” Jonalyn and Kimberly aid respectively.
“Fine, let’s roll” I smiled at them. This unusual friendship started 2 years ago. We had survived tons of pressure from different subjects at our General Engineering days. Now that we are at our major, I hope we can survive this one too.
As we made our way through the crowd of students that are making their way to their own classrooms, the first obstacle we must go through stands proudly before us, the CEAFACS building, our own Mt. Everest. Aspiring Chemical Engineers studies at the top floor of this building. With thick notebooks and thick books, one should be equipped with strong legs to survive this part of the cavalry.
We survived the steep steps and breathlessly went to the senior’s classrooms and get them to sign the tickler for us. Some seniors made us sing, some made us dance, some just signed, but nevertheless it’s kind of fun. I didn’t expect for anything more, but the real excitement starts here.
I left the room for its already crowded and I had already got all the seniors inside to sign my notebook, but as I was exploring the hallways, my dementia begun to fleet. He was there, sitting at the table near the laboratory with another male senior. I was looking at him from a distance but before I knew it, I was handing my notebook to him.
“Can I get your signature?” I asked. He smiled and accepted the notebook. I tried to look away but my eyes kept slipping back to his face as he kept on scribbling in my notebook. This is the first time I saw him but volts of electricity are already amplified to my system because of his mere presence. This is very unusual.
“Do you read mangas?” He raised up his head and asked me. I once again caught up the sight of his face. His simple yet rugged and mysterious look made me remember the men I dreamed of from those love story mangas I read a while ago.
“Yes…”
“Which ones do you read?”
“Bleach, full metal Alchemist and many more” He was looking at me intently, my ears burned hot.
“Try one piece, it’s the best”
“But it’s too long…”
“Just read it and you’ll know what I mean…” He handed me the notebook and once again he smiled at me. I’m not really confident if I will stay sane after this inevitable encounter. The effect of his smile was so momentous; I’m starting to lose the pathos of my reason. This thought was too exhausting. I turn around and left him there still sitting at the table but I know my heart was with him.
Amris Cannon Las Frugmal that is his full name. He was commonly called Amris by his friends. He’s kind of shy and prefers to be alone. He’s absolutely mysterious and definitely charismatic, but what attracts me the most is that he is a fellow manga addict, just like me. This is a very rare encounter and a very destined one. I did the first move and texted him. After the introduction and a detailed narration of our encounter, he said he still remembers me and then we became acquainted to each other through text messages. As the days passed we got the chance to know each other better and more prominently I got the verisimilitude to grow fonder of him.
How close we are in text messages are exactly discordant to real life. Even though we often see each other roaming around the hallways of our common edifice, all we know is to ignore each other’s presence and look oppositely at each other. There are some instances that our eyes met and straightaway we are synchronized on turning our heads away. This may seem absurd, but this is just how we are. I’m contented.
Oh yes, I thought I was contented. I was precisely wrong. My heart hoped for more and before I know it, I was falling for him. I was in the stage of a great denial. My friends will always tell me that I’m in love with him, but I will entirely renounce all their accusations so that I can still control these despicable impulses of love, but whenever I received a text message from him, the barricade I built around myself was spontaneously subverted.
“Hey Kristine, you’re team didn’t make it at the top ten. You can return their calculators now” I snap back at the real world and smiled at my friend, Cess.
“Ooops, I’m sorry. I’m out of this world” I stood up and approached the G.E students that we’re smiling at me even though their hard work didn’t pay off to make it at the final round of this G.E quiz show.
“Here’s all your calculators, congratulations for making this far and don’t forget to enjoy the quiz show..”
“Thanks ate!” They said blissfully.
“You’re welcome, can I si—,hey!” Someone pulled me violently. I turned around and saw Kimberly in a flux.
“What’s the rush?”
“This is your moment mommy to give daddy the flash drive he needs” She smiled and pointed at Amris who’s making his way towards his classmates at the front row of chairs at the amphitheater. I was ready for battle. I closed my eyes and reached for the flash drive that was in my pocket and held it tightly. I took out a long deep breath. I’ve been waiting for this very moment so this should be a perfect one.
He was making his way through the narrow space between the rows of chairs. I was about to make the first step of this destined moment when suddenly the momentum was destroyed by a sudden interference. I saw him sit beside a girl and the most disturbing part of this vista was he ran his fingers through the girl’s shoulder-length hair with an indistinguishable enjoyment in his face.
My legs went numb. My feelings went berserk. My heart was ripped from my chest. Tears flowed from my eyes. My whole world crashed down. I tried to look away but my eyes won’t allow me. I keep on looking on things that make me shatter in pain. I’m truly a masochist.
I slouched at the chair for my numb legs can’t withstand the heavy sentiment I’m feeling now. My tears won’t stop and I don’t understand why I’m so affected by this betrayal when everything between us is just an illusion. An ambition that will stay as an ambition. A dream that will be forever dreamed. A fantasy that will be fantasized forever and will never be a reality. I lowered my head so that my hair will cover my face for the tears won’t stop. This is the first and last time that I will cry just because of him. After this, I’ll put my mask on and bring the happy-go-lucky Kristine back to business.
Things do happen for a reason. In some unpredictable situation you tend to get hurt but still it’s never a waste at all. In this hurtful situation I had learned 3 important things. First, never assume anything. Second, never waste your tears for the people who don’t appreciate you and third, long hair do provide a good cover if you don’t want other people to see you cry.
I did gave him the flashdrive that I promised him, and eventhough I was happy that time because the moment was just ours, I’ve decided that everything that was between us will be propagated at the end of that very moment. That final smile I gave him was a token of gratitude for the kindness he showed me. And that momentous smile he gave me as he was returning the flashdrive was an indication that I’m just only a friend; nothing more.
My heart did slowly adjust to the rejection of feelings and surround myself with male friends so that I can forget. I will prohibit myself from texting him and chatting with him in facebook, but whenever I saw him at school, the pain is inevitable.
This may seem sadistic but everytime I saw the girl, I want to break her bones especially everytime I see them go home together. I just want her out of my sight but I can’t do that. I want Amris to be happy. I can’t afford to see him down. I am a woman of pride, everybody knows that, but whenever I saw that girl, everything change. I badly want to be her that’s the disgusting truth.
“Happy Birthday Kristine!!” my friends shouted as I was about to enter the classroom. I forgot that it was my birthday.
“Well thank you guys”
“Did he already greeted you?” Cess whispered in my ear.
“No, not yet and I’m not expecting” liar, I was expecting. I even brought my other cellphone where my globe sim is inserted.
“Don’t worry, I’ll bet that he’ll greet you this evening, you know how shy he is” She winked at me.
Cess was absolutely right, he did greet me at exactly 6:10 p.m. in the evening. I was kind of ecstatic but I now had the control to my feelings. I replied normally and just appreciated everything that had happened and slept soundly with a faint smile on my lips.
At 7:20 a.m.
I was breathlessly running up to the fourth floor for I was late for our experiment in analytical chemistry when suddenly I bumped into someone unexpectedly.
“I’m sorry.. I was kind of-“ I looked up and saw Amris looking down on me. He was kind of scary this time. I bowed my head down and tried to walk away but he suddenly grasp my wrist. I was petrified.
“I’m tired of this stupid game…so please stop.” his grip got tighter.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about, please let go of me”
“Stop pretending, you’re avoiding and ignoring me all this time” I was speechless. I thought it’s nothing to him. I caught a glimpse of his powerful stare, I was kind of mesmerized.
“What is it to you? That’s kind of normal for us” I stressed out.
“You’ve changed..”
“What is it to you!!! Enough, you’ve had that girl already..” I was pissed. “ Damn! I can’t even remember her name!!!”
“You’re jealous?”he pulled me near , our eyes in contact.
“You wish…” I pushed him back. He held my hand. He is making everything hard for me.
“I can assure you that Jk is just my friend.”
“For God’s sake Amris, enough. I’m tired of this lies…”
“Kristine, please listen to me first” he held my shoulders and seriously fixed his stare at me.
“I’ve gathered all this courage for too long. I like you Kristine and that’s the truth. That’s the only reason why you’re the only person I’m shy of.” I was taken aback by this unseen declaration. My body was immobile. My senses started to flutter and everything went blank. He was still waiting for an elucidation, but all I can give him was a horde of silence.
“If you don’t like me, just tell me and I’ll stop bothering you” His eyes vested themselves with doubt.
“Well… I- “ He released me from his arms and turned away.
“I don’t want to hear it, it’s okay I’m going” He started to walk, but before he was able to distance his self to me, I held his hand. I can’t afford to lose him now. I don’t care if it’s a dream as long as I’m with him.
“Okay fine, I’ll admit it… I like you Amris, so please stay” he abruptly turned at me and pulled me into his arms. I was electrified.
“I knew it!” He stubbornly declared.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. He gently pushed me away. A suspicious little half-smile curved his lips.
“That scene at the amphitheater was thoroughly planned…” he grinningly confessed. “You see, I’m kind of pissed whenever I see you are surrounded by your male friends, but I never thought that you’re jealously was way too much greater than mine”
“Shut up Amris, it’s not funny, I was devastated that time” I frowned.
“Kristine…” He lifted my chin with his fingers. “There’s no need to be jealous now, you know what to believe…” It felt like chains tied to me to the word’s he’d spoken. I was too euphoric at the thought that we like each other. I don’t know what to say.
“Oh I see…” I was speechless.
“It’s all clear now, right? I can release you for now. You’re already late for your experiment” he flashed his crook smile that never fails to leave me breathless. As I explored his face, I can’t believe that this beautiful creature in front of me will one day tell me that he likes me. The way our destiny entangles us to each other made me realize that there’s nothing impossible. Only a true believer can understand the complexity of this feeling.
“Okay, I’m going…”
“I’ll wait for you, let’s go home together…”
“Sure, I’ve waited my whole damn life for you. It’s about time you wait for me too…” I grinned at him.
“Wakarimashita, ojou- sama (I understand, my lady)… please don’t forget, Daisuki Dayo (I like you)”He proudly proclaimed. I gave him the best smile I can give him, and I know he already understood everything.
Aishteru Amris,I swear one day you’ll tell me you just don’t like me, you love me… My heart declared.ü​

My Lovely Sister <3

If you really know me personally, then you’ll know this fact about me..

I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE AN OLDER SISTER, I WANT TO HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER

yes, that’s true.. Why? Because i know that if bychance i have an older sister, all we can do is fight.. Yeah, seen that mostly on my friends having sisters.. But if i have an older brother, i could have someone who can protect me..

Shallow me isn’t it? Haha.. Sorry about that.. LOL

Never in my wildest dreams did i dream to have a sister [Exclude my A+ family okay? Haha, they will always be my sisters and brothers] , until one day i was so vividly focused on twitter when one of my A+ sister introduced me to a certain @arait13 (HAHA, Love you bru)
She was introduced to me because we live in the same province. (talk about coincidence, or rather fate i assume? ^_^) after the common introductions and stuff, plus the telling of biases, we got to know each other.. Honestly speaking, i never expected that we’ll be close to each other so quickly.. HAHA! Well, it took me a while to get close to Katherine, @Mr_KL, my omma joanne,@jodegi, julie, @loveelikeadove, sem, @MRSMBLAQCD and to my fellow A+ sisters.. [Really love them, <3]

I guess because we are both CRAZY?

Haha.. Maybe.. Or it’s just the truth, LOL.. Who cares anyways? Hehehe

My good days become extraordinary because of her, i could share anything i want and she won’t get bored of it. Just imagine how we can talk at TWITTER AND THROUGH OUR CELLPHONES ALL DAY WITHOUT GETTING BORED AND STILL TELL EACH OTHER “I MISS YOU”

CRAZY? i know.. Hehe..

Ahhh.. I’m kinda missing her so much these days, why? She’s kinda busy because she will have her regular work soon (YAYYY! For her acceptance on her job! ) but still, i’m happy for her.. ^_^
We have plans to meet soon, haha, our list of what to do is getting so long now, hope we can do them soon! HAHA..

if our plan A will not work, who cares we still have 25 letters of the alphabet right?

For now, i’m contented tweeting with her and stuff.. Haha!

Ohh, BTW, i sent her gift today.. Haha! Well, she’s kinda upset yesterday because she thinks i spend too much on her.. But really, she deserves it. I don’t normally give gifts to people.. But everything she’d done for me deserves an appreciation.

Haha! Wait, i’m talking too much about her but you don’t know her yet right?
Look..

Gorgeous right?

She’s Tiara Mei dela Cruz Medina, my lovely bru/sister..

Haha! I don’t know why we called each other bru short for bruha which means witch in spanish.. Hahaha! Silly us..

Oh well, my blog is not enough to tell you all on how much we love each other, owssss?
Haha! I’m sure i will be able to post pictures when we see each other personally, and i’m so excited.. Haha!

Bye bye for now! ^_^

MESSAGE TO MY LOVELY BRU

Grabe! Artistahin ka na! Featured sa Blog ko, haha.. Just joking bru..

Thank you for everything! ^_^
The time, friendship, sisterhood, advice, jokes, love and care
they are all very well appreciated.. )
although we are some what far from each other, don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything.. ( sosyalan!call? HAHA, Pero totoo yun) i’ll help you as much as i can.. )
Stay kind, understanding and beautiful inside and out! [oo, dapat lang, para sa pagdating ng mga asawa natin, hihihi..]

And sana talaga matuwa ka sa gift ko.. Hehe..

I LOVE YOU BRU SO MUCHIE MUCH! MWAAAH!

from your ever loving bru, Kristine

Good Night with MBLAQ.. :))

Good Night People! ))))

Letter From MBLAQ~ February 19, 2012 REALIZATION CHECK <3

[

Letter from MBLAQ] (Read at fan meeting on Feb.19, 2012)
(Seungho) Hello, we are MBLAQ. It’s early morning of 19th, the day we have the second fan meeting with A+. The weather is pretty cold so I’m worried if you can make is well today. I am lying in my bed after finishing our schedule and am thinking of the faces of our fans that have been cheering for us and sending us love.

(GO) We are very happy now days, so happy that we are full even without food. If I say this you would think that I’m lying but every time we feel tired or down the roaring cheers from you have always filled our hearts and led us on

(Joon) To MBLAQ, A+ is like the Sun. Your love is like the warm sunlight. And MBLAQ will lose its meaning of existence without A+ like people won’t survive without the Sun.

(Thunder) We will try our best to become the best singers so that after many years, when we age and become adults, just hearing the name MBLAQ will only bring back fun and charitable memories.

(Mir) Thank you for trusting and loving us who were nobodies. We love A+s who are always working hard for us and thank you. One, Two, Three!

(MBLAQ) WE LOVE YOU!!!

(승호) 안녕하세요 엠블랙입니다. 지금은 19일 새벽 바로 에이플러스와 함께하는 두번째 팬미팅이 있는날입니다. 날씨가 많이 추운데 무사히 잘 오실 수 있을지 걱정이 됩니다. 스케줄을 마치고 잠자리에 누운 지금 오늘도 엠블랙을 위해 아낌없는 응원과 사랑을 보내주신 여러분들의 얼굴이 한분씩 떠오릅니다.

(지오) 실은 저희는 요즘 너무너무 행복합니다. 밥을 먹지 않아도 배가 부른 그런 정도로요 그렇게 라고 말을 하면 거짓말이라고 믿으시겠지만 때론 피곤하고 힘들더라도 가슴 속을 가득가득 채워주시는 여러분들의 폭풍 응원소리를 들을때마다 힘이 솟아납니다.

(이준) 엠블랙에게 에이플러스란 태양같은 존재입니다. 언제나 따뜻한 햇빛같은 사랑을 주시고 태양이 없으면 사람이 살 수없듯이 엠블랙도 에이플러스가 없으면 있으나 마나이기 때문이죠.

(천둥) 수십년 뒤에 우리가 나이를 먹고 어른이 되었을때 엠블랙이라는 이름을 들을때마다 즐겁고 행복했던 추억만 간직할 수 있도록 열심히 노력해서 최고의 가수가 되겠습니다.

(미르) 아무것도 아닌 저희를 믿고 사랑해주시고 언제나 우리를 위해 노력해주시는 에이플러스 여러분 사랑합니다 그리고 고맙습니다.하나둘셋!

(다같이) 사랑합니다!!!

Cr.bcystal89

This message touched the bottom of my heart and my ver soul. I don’t how blessed i am to know this humble men. Although they suffered enough, they never gave up and instead worked harder everyday not to be famous but to give back to fans who loves them so much. MBLAQ is just too good to be true. Thank you so much for MBLAQ. )

I can’t really expressed now how i feel, all i know is that my love for MBLAQ and my A+ family will never change forever..

~Let’s be Lovers forever (G.O)

killed by love, chapter 25-28(final)

Chapter 25

Kiss and Death

Kaname had kissed me.

The dream was vividly clear and realistic my mind can’t entirely comprehend how I felt his lips against mine. Once again it’s so real my heart begun to beat faster. I slapped my face several times so I can wake up from this stupid fairy tale. I run to the bathroom to completely wash off this trace of hope on my face. I’m sick of still hoping that our story will continue when it’s already ended. My only dream will never ever come true. Never…

When I left the bathroom, I was hoping that Shiki will appear in front of me, but he’s nowhere in sight. I left my room and started to search the entire mansion. It’s no use; I can’t seem to find him. I felt so hopeless.

I had decided to go to the corporation, hoping that I will be able to see him there, but as I hurriedly walk towards my room I saw Haji staring at me.

“Haji…” He bowed his head down at me. “Where are the others?”

He slowly lifted his head up and opened the door of my room. My premonition about this day had already started to happen one by one and I have a bad feeling about this. My nervousness betrayed me. I almost bump into the door but luckily Haji pulled me. Everything seems to be unsynchronized.

Haji made me sat at the sofa. He was trying to make me comfortable but his sudden silence makes me more uneasy.

“Haji, please don’t play dumb with me!”  I commanded. The tone of my voice was very harsh. I tried to suppress any unnecessary emotions but I can’t. I can’t look at him for I was afraid to see any sign of hate or disappointment in his eyes.

“My queen, pardon my incapacities” No sign of hate was present. I was relieved.

“No, it’s my fault… I’m sorry”

“My queen…” He slouched at the sofa and held my hand. “We are blaming ourselves for what is happening to you”

“Don’t ever say that!” I spitted through my teeth.

“We saw how Kaname had taken you away that time…” His voice was getting low. Whatever happened back then is just a wasteful memory I need to dispose. Feeling sorry will not help me.

“We had believed that he is just a passer-by helping you because he had witnessed the accident”

“That’s enough, it’s not important-”

“Shiki had decided to observe him by being near to both of you…” he interrupted. “And when he saw how happy you are with him he told us that there is no need to investigate Kaname and instead we should just confide everything to you”

“That personality really describes Shiki” I said curtly.

Haji held my hand tighter so that he could express his care for me. This crucial stage in my life may be disheartening but I took it as a blessing in disguise, for I saw and felt how the Dark Saints selflessly gave their life for me.

“My queen, this may sound exaggerated…” He warned me. “But he loves you so much that he is ready to sacrifice what he has been protecting all his life”

“I can’t grasp what you’re trying to say”

“I don’t plan to tell you any of this my queen, but Shiki told me that I have to tell you this important thing”

“What is it?” I asked breathlessly.

“Syndicate Rule A-1 states that if the assassin failed to kill the designated person exactly at a span of 1 year, the assassin will be terminated by the syndicate”

I was frozen, stunned. Coldness rapidly drifts to every part of my body. My hand that was held by Haji went numb, ignoring the warmth of his hand. The exact date of the accident was March 15, 2009 and today’s date is March 14, 2010. My heart went bizarre at the unseen declaration. Veins in my heart were ripped altogether. My mind crumbled apart and everything was baffling. Haji automatically leaned towards me and held me into his arms. My tears voluntarily escape my eyes. Although months had already passed since the last time I told myself that I should forget him. I can’t seem to completely erase him from my heart. All I did was bury him deep down my very soul by the use of other memories. I was completely fooled.

“Shiki discovered this yesterday…” He was trying to comfort me. “He had decided that I told you everything, because he can’t see you like this”

My tears won’t stop. Shiki is still concerned for my feelings even though I know that it hurts him inside. I don’t understand how I loved the one who betrayed my feelings and ignore the one who had loved me all my life.

“My queen, be strong for yourself” His words pierced through the depth of my heart that makes me want to cry more. I am completely desperate.

[

Chapter 26

Limit of my Existence

Images of memories bluntly played on my mind as if there was some kind of film showing. I knew it was a dream yet I had decided not to wake up. The memories were played accordingly with a certain contrasting pattern, from the time we’ve met to the time we’ve separated, from happiness to devastation, from secrets to confessions, from touches to kisses, from truth to lies, from acceptance and betrayal, and from the time I told him I love him to the time I tried to forget him. Again the memory of the inevitable kiss was disturbing my heart and I’m tired of it. I opened my eyes and caught sight of the ceiling that was supposed to be his face riveted down to me. I hurriedly got up from my bed to shake off the anxiety I was feeling once again because of my false hope and walk towards the balcony which was overlooking the back part of the mansion to suppress any leak emotions.

The moon was at its best giving off light even though it has no own light to start with. If only I can be contented with the light everyone around me is giving me, then I will not mock my way into this desperation.

There under the brightly glowing moon was an attracting pitfall of darkness. The back part of the estate is a cliff. The reason why the estate was built beside it was none of my concern now. As I measure the never- ending depth of darkness with my naked eye, I saw a bird fluttering its way to the cliff. I looked closer that I’m leaning against the edge of the balcony, the bird was injured. Its wings are torn apart by some kind of wild animal. It was almost at the edge of the cliff and it kept struggling to be nearer. When it finally reaches the end, the bird dive and instantly the darkness and silence swallows it, ending its life, ending its pain. Death was once again considered as a gift.

The idea cleared my mind and heart. A bird can end its pain then I, a human, could do that for myself. I silently left my room and started to prepare any last preparations I needed. I entered my father’s room first and secretly bade goodbye to this first man I’ve ever loved. I know that what I’ll do for the sake of Kaname will hurt him so much, but someday I know he’ll understand what love can do at great times. For Takuma, Ichijou, Kain and Haji, I left behind my greatest appreciation and loyalty for the years of undivided love and care. Now that I shall leave them, they will free of obligations.

The only room that was left was Shiki’s. I was about to enter but I hesitated on the threshold. I can’t seem to say goodbye because I know that more than anyone, this will hurt him the most. I gathered all my courage and silently opened the door of the room and entered. The silent- bound room welcomed me with its cold atmosphere. If my theory is correct, then this room reflects Shiki’s heart that I had forgotten. I slowly approached his bed and saw him sleeping soundly. If only the incident that erased my memory will repeat, I wish it will be now so that I can forget everything about Kaname and stay with Shiki. I can’t surrender myself to Shiki as long as Kaname lingers in my heart. I only deserve Shiki’s love if and only if my fidelity is only engraved to him.

I touched his face carefully. This will be the limit of my existence. Although I’ll leave the world first, the promise connection will stay and will not be destroyed. I leaned towards his face so that I can take a last look at everything I had for this past years of my life.

“Thank you for everything, I will never forget you” I whispered into his ear.” I love you my destined one”

I leaned over to his face and kissed him on his forehead. After that I left his room and made my way outside the mansion, starting my death march towards the end. The night was peaceful although I’m starting the limit of my life. I must be thankful that at the very least I will die in peace for I know that deep down to my very soul, Kaname will be safe and he’ll live a happy life with someone else. The idea hurts and yet I will do this for him.

I had reached the cliff. Its darkness is overwhelming; I can’t see its bottom. Nobody will ever see me till its morning, but it’s better. He can be saved by my death.

While I’m holding a little percentage of reality that says that there is a possibility that he loves me, I breathe deeply and leaned forward so that my weight will let me fall. At a split second when I was about to be overwhelmed by darkness, someone pulled me behind and pinned me on the ground creating a loud thud on this gloomy night.

[

Chapter 27

Kisses of Love

My eyes were still close after my back hit the ground that was caused by my weight and the weight of the person who pinned me. The pain was still there. I tried to stand up but the person didn’t allow me. He is still on top of me and his hands are still on my wrist. I opened my eyes and I was caught by surprise.

“What the hell are you thinking?! I could have lost you there!” Kaname was there in front of me. His eyes were full of unseen concern, but I refuse to give in to this joke.

“Stop acting as if you really care! Just kill me!” I shouted.

“Don’t say that, you know how much I love you…” His eyes were again full of concern but now it’s mixed with honesty. One more look into his eyes and I will believe everything so I avoided his gaze at me.

“Please stop telling me lies…” I started to cry for lies had hurt me too much. “Just do what you had to do”

“Killing you never entered my mind, especially my heart, so please stop crying” He declared as he wipes away my tears.

“You already did it-“

“But it was just to warn you…” He pressed. “So that the Dark Saints will tighten their security… But I did not kill you.”

“You almost did and you know that…”

“You don’t know how hard it is for me to scare you like that while you are constantly telling me that you love me and what hurts the most is that I cause a direct trauma on you. I’m really sorry” His hand reached for my face. I can feel that he had longed for this moment. He let me looked into his eyes. “But believe me, if you haven’t closed your eyes that time, you might have seen me crying…”

“You can falsificate stories.  I’m sorry, I still don’t believe you…” I once again avoided his gaze because I’m afraid of the persuasive power of his eyes. I’m afraid to believe, yet I want to believe.

“I didn’t think that you’ll be this persistent” He chuckled. “I know how much you think of me and how much you love me because your heart is malfunctioning”

“Hey! Where did you get that?” I was desperate to know for one person can only know that confession of mine.

“Ichimoku Ren is my adopted brother and since I fake my name in his documents, you can’t tell it’s me” he informed me as if I’m the most ignorant person alive. I can’t believe this. I had confessed everything to his brother and now I’m doomed.

“What more did he told you?”

“I’ll tell you if you will listen to me first” He was serious.

“Why should i?”

“It’s because I love you so much” He admitted with full conviction.

“I seriously doubt that” I truly lied. I believe in his words. “If you really love then you should have at least let me felt that through your brother”

“The white roses are from me…” he leaned closer to my face and then my senses started to malfunction. “Inside of them are notes, I truly love you were written to each one of them, but you never opened at least one. Now, can you listen to me?”

I don’t know how to react so I nodded. He then started to explain everything. I patiently listen to his explanations, for here my heart will know if it’s the truth.

The accident was his entire act. He believes that killing me is unreasonable. My amnesia was all an accident for he didn’t thought that it will happen. After that he admitted to himself that he was really in love with me, he started to hide me from the syndicate. From that time on he was out of the syndicate’s league. He was protecting me all the time. The reason for his constant absence in school was that he was spying on the syndicate’s next action about me, and when he found out that they will try to kill me as soon as possible, he purposely let me see the folder so that I will return to the estate then there the Dark Saints will protect me. Everything was planned. He was just protecting me all this time. He doesn’t care even if he lose his life as long as I’m safe and breathing.

“Let me clear things, so it means that all you said when I found out that you’re my killer are all lies???” I was so happy to ask this question.

“It’s actually the truth…”

“I thought so, you don’t love me…” I frowned. That was an unexpected answer from him. I just hate how I hope that he had loved me.

“Listen to me, I kissed you that time when you lost consciousness, didn’t you think that it was me?” his lips twitched and he angled his face towards mine. Once again my senses started to be distracted as if large frequency of energy destroyed the signals. I felt breathless.

“It’s true that I’m your killer right? But you didn’t asked me that time if I would kill you, so let’s leave it to that” He was very confident.

“How about the most important one?”

“I didn’t fall in love with you” His smile was amused. “Because I’m already in love with you when we’ve met”

“When did you realize that?”

“The first time I saw your picture” My heart was beating faster. I started to catch my breath. I was afraid that my voice might betray me, I can’t respond. It feels liked my tongue was ripped off from my mouth. The feeling of betrayal was gone. All that was left is trust. Now all I can do is stare at his beautiful face. I can’t suspect anymore lies for my heart and mind are synchronized in telling me that he is the truth in my life. This is not also a dream for the pain from my fall was still there. I’m glad that this is reality. I’m glad that he had really loved me all this time.

“Now do you believe me?” He leaned closer and closer, our faces are just centimeters away. “If you don’t, I still have my last card”

“And what would that be?” I whispered almost breathlessly.

“This…” he leaned closer to my face and pressed his lips against mine. Before I was able to distinguished if I’m going to lose my mind or not, he leaned away. Now, he is crookly smiling down at me.

“After our separation, this is the first time that you’ve kissed me” I told him playfully.

“Well actually…” He was scratching his head as if he made a honest mistake. “This is the 4^th time”

“When?How?” I was confused.

“First is in the garden when you’re sleeping, the second and third was at you room. Don’t blame me, you left your window open, I can’t control myself” He giggled.

“So that’s why I’ve kept dreaming about you” I reached his face down toward me slowly. “you really love me don’t you?”

“Now do you believe me?”

“Yes. I’m sorry I doubted you”

“It’s okay, I was the one who gave you a reason to doubt me” his hands grab my face from both sides. “And I’ll erase that…” Before I knew it, his lips come down hard on mine. My eyes were closed. My senses started to lose control. Every nerve of my body was electrocuted. I never knew these feelings before and only he can make me feel this kind of intoxicating feelings.

“Are you okay?” My eyes are barely close and he was laughing at me. “You look tired”

“You’re lying on top of me then out of nowhere you kissed me, can you blame me for being these tired?” I said sarcastically.

“Oh my, pardon my weakness” He abruptly stood up and carried me in his arms. “But you must admit that I’m your weakness too”

“Absolutely” I wrapped my arms on his neck, I will never let go from now on. “No more lies please? Can I count on that?”

“In one condition”

“What condition?”

“I’ll be one of your dark Saints-“

“Fine, I agree” I interrupted.

“And one more thing…” He once again leaned closer to my face. My heart starts to palpitate. “You’ll marry me”

“I’s a demand not a question right?”

“This may seem unromantic but yes, I demand you to marry me…”

“Who told you that it’s unromantic?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care. After all that I’ve been through, I can’t afford to lose you to anyone, that includes yourself…” He declared.

“Well, do you think I have the time to resist?”

“NO!” He was absolute about that.

“Fine then, I’ll marry you” He smiled at me ecstatically. He carried me up to my room. The time was perfect. The night was for us. The moment was so right there was no way I can’t believe it.

Chapter 28

Fate Vs. Destiny

He was sleeping soundly beside me. His face was in front of me. It was full of serenity and I’m glad that he saved me from my suicidal attempt for him to be safe. If not, I don’t know if someone could give him this serenity if all he can think of was my death was caused by him. I was tempted to touch his face for everything was sinking to me now. Last night was so sudden, I just tried to comprehend everything as it was, but now was different. I know that we truly belong to each other. I kissed on his calm lips and slowly stood up from my bed so that I would not wake him up. I walked out of my balcony to breathe some fresh air for I’m a bit guilty. Although Kaname sacrificed a lot of our time, he is not the only one who sacrificed. Kaname told me that he was confronted by Shiki. He said that at first Shiki was certain that he was not in love with me, but after Shiki discovered the rule of the syndicate, Shiki admitted to himself that Kaname really loves me and that everything was true. Shiki also told Kaname that I may do something to prevent his death so it’s better if Kaname will just tell me the truth. That’s the reason why Kaname was able to stop me at the brink of my death. Shiki could have just stopped me himself, but he did not do it. He could have had me for his own, but he did not do it. His selfless love is what keeps him from being unhappy. I wish, for once, he could stop that.

“Good morning my queen..” Kaname was awaked. He hugged me from behind as he tightly wrapped his arms around my waist. He kissed me on my head as he inhaled every scent that was on my hair. It was still early in the morning yet he was leaving me breathless.

“My king, I didn’t think that you will wake up this early…” I reached for his hands that were around my waist. I don’t want him to let me go. He will be forever be my king.

“Well, someone kissed me while I’m asleep, I think you know who the guilty suspect is” I glanced at his face that was on my side and he was grinning. A crimson flush spread up from under my collar and my ears burned hot. I was embarrassed. “From the way your ears turned red from here, I guess it’s you?”

“Do I need to be punished?” He released me from his embrace and turned me around. He was still flashing his grin at me.

“I really miss you, let me have you today” He demanded.

“Er- I promised someone that I’ll be with him today, could we be together tomorrow?” I tried to look down and mournfully asked. His eyes veiled themselves with doubt. Although this rejection might hurt him, I should be responsible to all my promises. Promises should not be broken, and that’s my principle.

“Okay, you can go with him…” he lifted my chin by his fingers. “But be careful okay?”

“Of course, how can I return to you, if I will not be careful?” I flushed, Euphoric at the thought that we’ll be together from now on. I unconsciously lift my feet on the floor and kissed him without any hesitation. He was caught by surprise.

“That’s the 6^th time.. I GOT YOU!” I stubbornly declared. He was unconditionally smiling at me.

“When you come back to me, I’ll make sure you’ll lost count” He playfully threatened.

+++

I left Kaname in my room but still my heart is with him. I know our story will continue but I will never sacrifice one’s happiness for our own happiness. I was now in front of his room. My purpose of coming here was a distant thought now. All I know was I want to see him. I entered the room without knocking and as I made my way inside his even colder room. I saw him packing his things in a luggage.

“Shiki, where are you going?” I struggled to use a lighter tone, but I can’t.

“I’m going to France, my princess” he did not bother to look at me at all. I thought everything will be alright. I thought everything will be fine. I thought everyone will be happy. I won’t let him go away even if it means that I will be selfish enough to let him stay even if Kaname is around.

“Don’t you dare leave me” I reeled towards him and embrace him from behind. I was desperately crying. “Please don’t”

He removed my arms around his waist. I felt weaker under his touch. He held me on my shoulders and he turned me around. A sneer touched the corners of his lips.

“Who told you that I’ll leave you?” He willed a smile. “I can’t do that I’m still one of the Dark Saints”

“Then why are you going to France?” my tears were still flowing from my eyes.

“Purely business my princess” He wiped the tears in my eyes. “So stop crying”

“Then I’ll go with you, I had a promised to keep right?”

“No, you don’t have to, stay here with him”

“But-“

“No excuses my princess…” He put a finger on my lips. “Just stay here with him”

“Okay..” I want to tell him more but I don’t know where to start.

“My princess, thank you for the message last night” He was completely smiling at me “You know that I love you too, and no matter what happens, I will never ever leave you…”

I embraced him and he undeniably welcomed me in his arms. The promise connection was still there. I’m ecstatic that I will never ever lose any of them. All can be happy.

“I’ll promise one more thing…” his fingers glided through my long hair. “if he hurt you, I will claim you from him okay?”

“You don’t have to do that for I will never hurt him”

Shiki released me from his arms and I saw kaname walking towards us. He was now wearing the dark Saints uniform and it suited him well. My father and the other Dark Saints accepted him to be my other half, and I’m glad. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his side. Logic was not on my side now. I was totally disoriented and desensitized by his presence.

“Kaname, welcome to the Dark Saints” Shiki reached for his hand and shook it.

“Thank you for taking care of my queen…” Kaname stressed out. The possessiveness in his words were to good to be true. “ I owe you one”

“No, you owe me everything” Shiki corrected. “So take care of her”

“Now that I’m in good terms with Master Takeyanagi, I can’t afford to lose her”

“Then be a man of your words”

They glared at each other for a few minutes as if they are exchanging thoughts to each other and I was left in a daze. It is said that losing someone is substantial so that we could understand the importance of someone, but I don’t need to lose anyone to clearly comprehend how important they are to me.

“Shiki, thank you for everything” I finally spoke to break the silence. I temporarily left Kaname’s side and embrace Shiki. “Take Care of yourself”

“You don’t have to thank me my destined one…” He released me although I know that he ought to stay for a little longer. “I need to go now” He kissed me on my forehead and made his way to the door without looking back at me. At this moment, it seems that sometimes we just need to know when to let go.

“Hey” kaname was now in front of me. A cleft formed between his eyebrows. “Have you already forgotten about me?”

“Of course not” I reached for his hands and held it to my face. “See I’m here, I’m yours”

“But he said that he is your destiny” Jealousy was overflowing in his voice.

“But you are my fate-“

“It’s just the same…” He grumbled.

“You can defy or even cheat destiny, but you can’t defy fate. No matter what happens, we are inseparable.” I was overwhelmed by the veracity in my words. He pulled me and now our bodies are in contact with other. He had understood the truth behind my words and now he was smiling significantly smiling at me.

“Now do you believe me?” I asked.

“Yes” He agreed.

“Fine then, now release me so that we can go now” I commanded.

“Not yet, I still have something to do to you, do you remember?”

“What?” I laughed breathlessly.

“I’ll make you lose count of my kisses because we have a plenty of time to work out for it”

“Fine then..” I challenged him. “You’ll give up on me..”

“Well let’s see, my kissing expertise versus your arithmetic skills” he pressed his lip against mine but now the kiss was stronger and longer.

This is reality. This is our story. I don’t care if the syndicate is still after me. No matter what kind of rubicon will pass we will rapturously continue the story of our forever. That is our vow.

~the end~

 

killed by love, chapter 22-24

Chapter 22

Proposals and Competitions

I lost track of time.

The sun was already shining hard on my face but I still refuse to wake up. I had never felt this good this past few weeks and I’m thankful that I had found serenity even if it is just for today.

“My princess, it’s time to wake up…” Somebody is waking me up now. I thought. I lay against my back and opened my eyes and saw Takuma smiling at me. He was wearing the white tuxedo that the Dark Saints can wear such clothing elegantly.

“I brought both of your breakfast here and by the way my princess, thank you for the gift…” I scrutinized the room and remembered that I was lying on his bed the whole night without knowing that he slept uncomfortably at the couch. This is very inconsiderate.

“It’s alright Takuma, but where is Shiki?” I curiously asked.

“In the comfort room, my princess…” I sat up straight so that I can talk to him with etiquette, and he assisted me. “Do I have to call him for you?”

“Er, no… it’s okay”

“What happened last night?” He fired a meaningful glare at me.

“Okay! Okay!.. fine!” I raised both of my hands as if I was surrendering. “He told me everything between us”

“How about the incident?”

“No, not a word about it…” He felt relief after hearing my response. The only thing I know was the incident was so traumatic I had forgotten all about them as I was recovering. It was all written on my medical records but when I was looking for some criminal reports, there were no records on the said date about what happened to me. Maybe they had already removed it from the records. I just have to respect their care for me for I’m contented now of what I heard from Shiki.

“You’re happy my princess…” He smiled significantly. “I’m very glad”

I’m very ashamed of myself for worrying them too much when I promised that I’ll protect them this time. What happened was again the reverse of my plan.

“Thank you for being there at my downfall…” I whispered to hide my embarrassment for being weak.

“Don’t be…” He answered. “That’s the only time we felt that you need us”

“That’s not true-“

“I’m just kidding; I’m glad that you have recovered…” He chuckled hard at his unforeseen joke. But tell me my princess, what exactly did he told you?”

“Well…–“

“Meddling in other’s business is not a good behavior right?” Shiki interrupted as he was standing in front of the bathroom door with a towel hanging on his shoulder. He was still on his pajamas, and seeing him like this is very refreshing to my eyes. From this point of view, I can’t blame myself if I fall for him again and at the same time, I can’t question myself for falling in love with him before everything was a mess.

He approached us and stood beside me. The barrier was gone. It feels like we are reconnected after several years. The connection that was dismantled is slowly but accurately returning to its own frequency. Even though I can’t exactly remember the memories the mutual feelings had returned to me, I was relieved.

“Eavesdropping is of the same level isn’t it?” Takuma teasingly asked.

“Well then, we’re somehow even…” They both bursted in laughter, chuckling hard at their foolishness. The sight of them laughing is so pleasurable to my heart and I’ll gladly pay it with my life just to maintain this kind of environment for them.

After coming into their senses, Shiki abruptly entangled his hand into mine, fitting our hands together. “Would you mind if I take her?” He asked Takuma who is grimacing at me.

“No…” Takuma shook his head. “Haji already needs me, I must go…” He stood up from my bed and made his way to the door. “Proposed to her again…” He raised his hand to bade goodbye and instantly disappeared in front of the door. Shiki then gently pulled me to the bathroom to allow me to do my morning rituals before we eat our breakfast. He was staring at me while I try to remove any unwanted substance on my face. After handing me the towel, he once again reached for my hand and lead me to the table where our breakfast is served.

“What exactly is Takuma referring to?” I asked him without any hesitation.

“Nothing—“

“Shiki!…” I gave him a basilisk stare. “We had already a mutual understanding, and that’s to be loyal to each other right?”

“It’s what you’ve heard, read between the lines…”

“Oh Shiki, don’t tell me that…” My eyes we’re already filled with tears.

“Please don’t cry” He stood up from his chair and abruptly went to my side. He positioned himself in front of me. With deliberate slowness, his hand slid on the side of my face and he looked at me carefully.

“We were supposed to get married right?” I held his hand that was on the side of my face. My hands were shaking involuntarily because I was suppressing my emotions.

“Yes, but don’t worry, we are still young that time. Decisions are sometimes unreasonable” he assured me. Unreasonable? Is it really unreasonable to get married with someone you love?

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better…”

“You know that it’s not my nature to tell lies just to satisfy someone…”

“But it’s your nature to make me feel better” I informed him. His both hands are now at the sides of my face. His face was too close to me, I can’t breathe properly.

“I admit that I felt tons of depression when our marriage was canceled because of the incident and my decision not to mention it to you for your total recovery…” he drew in a long breath and let it hiss out slowly. “But every time I saw your innocent smile, I had admitted that everything’s worth it”

I removed his hands on my face and held it between mine. Even though my memories are incomplete, I can see how kind hearted Shiki is, how much more if my memories are complete.

“Don’t you like to propose to me again?” I asked seriously.

“I don’t want to take advantage of the situation; it’s not fair for you…”

“You just don’t like me anymore” I teased him.

“I like competitions…” he grimaced. “I want to compete with him for your heart”

“Then start now…” I clutched his face towards mine. “For you have a long way to go” He shot his enigmatic smile at me. He was too ecstatic of what I had said. I guess connections travel as long as there is a medium for it.

“Be ready my princess, for I won’t cut the connection this time…” He reached for my face and kissed me.

[

 

 

Chapter 23

Malfunction

 

His face was riveted down at me. I was lying on his lap as he explored my face with the use of his hands. I could not believe this. He was in front of me, smiling. It is clearly expressed in his face that he was so happy to be with me again. He slowly leaned closer to my face. I could not move. Without any warning he pressed his lip against mine. My heart began to beat faster…

Everything went black. I started to look for light. I opened my eyes but the sun was blinding me. It was only a dream, but my heart was still beating fast enough to leave me tired. It was like it’s real. I can still feel how his lips were on mine. I thought I had forgotten him, but this dream made me love him more. My body is missing how he touched me with his long cold fingers. The thought of him gets me weak, his presence gets me weaker, but his love gets me stronger.

I sat properly at the bench. I’m all alone here in the garden looking for some place to rest, so I ended up sleeping here. Shiki had some work to do so I had to be alone at least for now, but he promised that he’ll be back as soon as he can. I’ve been happy with Shiki these past few months. He has this aura that makes me feel serene. I thought I’m rehabilitated, but whenever he’s not around I’m vulnerable. I closed my eyes and heaved out a sigh.

“Got any problem my princess?” I abruptly opened my eyes and saw Ren handing a white rose at me. I accepted the rose and smiled at him.

“Well, thank you…” he slowly sat down beside me and studied my face. He was too critical about my emotions. Am I that easy to read?

“Are you okay?”

“Well, let’s just say that thinking of a certain person makes me irritated…”

“Who’s the lucky guy?”

“For what basis have you got to conclude that it’s a guy?” I glared at him and he abruptly responded with a wicked smile.

“Girls are always irritated when they are thinking of a man they truly love…” I wonder if it’s the truth. At this point of time, do I still love him that much that I’m willing to give up all that Shiki and I had, Do I need to sacrifice an important memory for the sake of a falsificated one? So many questions but there were never an answer.

“Tell me, how can you be absolute that you loved someone?” I never thought that I would ask him this kind of question. And I’m quite pissed at myself for being this ignorant.

“I can’t answer that…” his tone was serious. “Only your heart can”

“I doubt that…” I was playing the rose between my hands as I talk to Ren about this typical topic. “My heart is malfunctioning”

“Malfunctioning?” He asked with token interest. I can’t rebuke him for not knowing what sorrow means, because he is happy with his life. Although he is abandoned by his real parents, he found someone who will take care of him. He is adopted by his brother, even though they are not close to each other that when that happened. I personally don’t know his brother, but I can tell that he is a kind hearted person and Ren is lucky to have him.

“I guess loving someone who tried to kill you is enough proof?”

“You want to forget him that easily?”

“Yes…” I automatically answered “I need to move on for someone”

“Why can’t you do it for yourself—“

“Because I can’t…” I interrupted. “If I will listen to what my heart is telling me then it will be very inconvenient to the people who care for me”

“As expected, that is what someone like you would say” He smiled amusingly.

“Is that a compliment or what?” I asked sarcastically. I was preoccupied by the way our serious conversation has turned into a simpler one.

“You know what my princess…” he looked at me intently and pointed with his hand the white rose he gave me. “Listen to your heart, because that will save you from the complexity of life” it’s so easy for him to say those things and for that I envy him. I nodded in approval then he stood up and turned his back at me. “You know what, my brother is just the same as you, I think you should meet him” He then said goodbye and disappeared in the midst of the garden.

 

[

 

Chapter 24

The Best Connection

 

After months of being into the hell of betrayal and pain, I finally felt a considerate amount of peace. I wonder was it because of my own effort or just because of this creature that was silently sitting gracefully at the side of my bed.  I didn’t felt his presence when he entered my room for I was in the bathroom. Now that I can see him there in front of me, I wonder what I did to deserve his attention. More importantly, I wonder what I did to deserve his love.

“Shiki…” I joyfully made my way in front of him. “Good morning”

“Good morning too my princess” He drew himself up to his full height. “Sorry for just entering your room”

“I miss you…” I reminded him.

“Could you believe that even though you are wasting your time with our gardener instead of wasting it with me, I miss you too…”

“Feeling a little jealous?”

“A little? I don’t think so…” He chivalrously assisted me as we sat down at the side of my bed.

“It’s not like you to be jealous” I was grudgingly honest. “He is just my friend”

“A friend that always sent flowers, I assume?”  He pointed the white roses that were on my table.

“Shiki, you’re so cute when you’re jealous…” I chuckled. His lips pressed together in a hard line. Without any more indications, I know that he is serious.

“You know what, I’m just going to the garden when you’re not around. So please don’t be mad at me”

“Then go with me at the office” Finally, he spoke.

“Okay, when?”

“Today is Friday, so go with me on Sunday…”

“Fine, I’ll go”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise” I measured his face and dramatically his expression changed. He was now playfully smiling at me.

“Ah! You’re just acting” I grumbled.

“It’s settled then, it’s a date…” he declared amusingly.

“You could have just ask me”

“It’s very entertaining this way” I sized up at his face because I was curious of his teasing attitude, but what I saw was not the expression I predicted. Hidden in his eyes was pain. A kind of pain he knows. Sadly, I don’t know what it is. I reached for his face and place it between my palms. He abruptly responded to my action and held my hands that were on both sides of his face. He slowly closed his eyes and breathes slowly. He was trying to be calm. He was trying to erase all the pain he is feeling. If my hands can help him do that then I’ll gladly give it to him.

“This will be the last time that I will feel your touch…” His breathing came in short, irregular gasps.

“What are you talking about?” I hedged. He gripped my hands for the last time and stood up, his back was now in front of me. This is the first time Shiki talked to me without facing me. He is not the kind of person who talks without an eye to eye contact for he is honest in all he says.

“Princess, remember what I told you that I will not cut the connection this time? I’ll keep my promise…” There was a long and eerie pause. “But I’ll give you the best connection for you” He left my room without clearly explaining what he has on his mind, especially his heart.

 

 

killed by love, chapter 21

Chapter 21

Christmas Confessions

It’s been 5 months since the incident. Everybody was worried so they had taken up some security measures to be absolute about my safety. After their duties and obligations at the company, they will proceed to my room and guard me while I sleep. Haji, Takuma, Kain and Aidou are guarding at my door while Shiki accompany me in my room. Although my problem is breathing is getting better, it only happens once in a period of time, still the Dark Saints insisted that they will look out for me until I’m fully recovered.

It’s Christmas. I woke up at exactly 12:00 A.M. so that I can give my gifts to the Dark Saints and my father but as usual when I woke up; their gifts are already beside my bed. Once again my plan was sabotage. I can’t seem to win over their intelligence. My plan was to convince them not to guard me this night so that I can secretly put each of their gifts at their room so that I can surprise them. Although I had accomplished the first part of my plan, the second part was not relevant now for I was the one who was surprised. Even though my Christmas plan was not that successful anymore, I still decided to continue it. I left my room silently so that at least I will be successful not to wake them up.

The room that was nearest to me was Shiki’s, but I had decided to give his gift after I had given the gifts to my father and to the rest of the Dark Saints.

I had accomplished in leaving their gifts without disturbing them at their sleep. It’s so nice to see them living normal for once in a while, for I was the one who made their life miserable.

I was in front of Shiki’s room now. A feeling like stage fright churned my stomach. It feels like I was about to deliver a speech in front of thousands of prodigies, unprepared. I gathered all my courage and slowly turn the door knob. I made my way inside his silent bound room. His room was plainly cold and it’s not because of the temperature. Somehow I had a feeling that this is once a room full of joy. An unforeseen event occurred that had eradicated all its life leaving nothing. I found his bed at the west side of the room, but he is nowhere to be found.

“Are you looking for me?” I froze for I was taken by surprise. I slowly turned from where the voice was coming and saw Shiki slouching at the sofa in front of the biggest window in his room, overlooking the velvet sky. I made my way to his side and sat with him.

“Thank you for the Christmas gift…” I said to break the silence. “I left your gift there at your bed…”

His eyes were still fix at the sky searching for answers that were seem too long to be answered. I can feel how his hands crawl to find mine and once again the feeling of déjà vu was there.

“Please let me hold your hand this time” He begged.

“Sure, but let me ask you something…”

“What is that?”

“Tell me something about us that happened in the past…” I can hear how he made a vague sound in his throat. I know that he doesn’t want to talk about it but I need to know everything. I am certain that it is a crucial thing to do and I am prepared for any consequences.

“We have something back then…” He declared. “But it seems it’s irrelevant now”

“How can you say that!” I rasped as my eyes were automatically filled with tears. I was very emotional.

“The fact that you had forgotten everything about us is enough evidence…” He was still looking at me. I know all along that we had something but I only needed a ratification to understand completely. I can feel a betrayal of feelings again and I can’t stand it anymore. I tried to release my hand from his but he did not allow me.

“Please don’t let go…”

“My feelings were right all along…” I cried. “The feeling of joy when I woke up and saw you at the hospital, the feeling of gaiety whenever you hold my hand and the feeling of contentment just by being there, I can remember how I fought those feelings for years…” I can sense how his eyes were now gazing at me for he was taken aback of my confession.

“I was confused with these feelings, I know that there’s something between us…” I wept for it was too hard to control anymore. “But since you did not tell me anything, I struggled to remember everything by being with you but you had created a barrier by being always cautious towards your treatment to me…” He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. The confused feelings that we’re kept deep down were dispersed at this destined night. The answers should be given at this time too.

“And all my life I thought this is just a one-sided love that’s why I gave up!” I struggled from his embrace violently and hit him as much as I can. I can’t stand any betrayal now especially from him.

“Stop!” He hugged me tighter and I was stunned. “If we are really for each other then it will happen”

“But how can we be for each other if you cut the connection yourself!”

“I’m sorry, I was just protecting you from the painful memories that were in your past…”

“I don’t care why I had an amnesia, but you could have at least told me everything about us…” I mourned. “That was never been a bad memory…”

I will never be able to make it up to him. He did not betray me. He will never will. I was the one who betrayed him. if only I hadn’t gave up that easily, we should have been together. I doubt my feelings and it made me lose him for a vast amount of time and now I’m full of guilt. I should have known better. Tears fall down from my eyes for this is too sentimental. I can imagine how much pain Shiki is in by the tightness of his embrace. This idea kills me.

“If there would be a perfect time to tell you what’s the thing I’m honest about, it’s now…” He admitted whole-heartedly. “I love you… that will never change even if you have to forget me again…” he did not unbind me from his grasp. We stayed that way for we are both waiting for this moment. It’s dexterous to hear that he had loved me the way I never thought he could, but I could not give him my response this time. I need to rehabilitate myself so I can completely confide myself to him. I need to rehabilitate myself so I can proudly deserve his love and more importantly I need to rehabilitate myself to forget Kaname.